Begin Again

Life comes at you HARD sometimes. I suffered a loss. A sudden inexplicable loss.  It left me with a gut wrenching, heart aching abysmal feeling and took my breath away. It’s not the first-time life has dealt a hard blow, but for some reason, this one sucker punched me. I felt like Life performed a leg sweep, knocking me flat on my back.  Loss is hard, whether it’s a loss of a loved one, a relationship, a job, or some other type of loss.  Loss usually is accompanied by lack of closure, which only serves to compound the emotional emptiness.  Lack of closure can feel like abandonment. 

Just when I was starting to recover, Covid 19 hit and I was spending my days working and sleeping, repeat. It takes its toll. Job going through changes, uncertainties plays with your mind. Not sleeping well, heath concerns, becoming a slug in the process. All a recipe for disaster. It’s easy to slip into a depressive state. Not caring about much. Doing nothing all day, then feeling guilty, when you fall asleep, for doing nothing all day. A vicious cycle. 

It’s easy to get lost in sorrow that we forget to enjoy the simple gifts life has to offer.  Simple joys we take for granted like sitting on your balcony and watching the sunrise or taking a walk and feeling the sun on your face. Food on the table and a bed to sleep in. Yes, I understand things moments cannot bring back that which is gone. And yes, we need to take time to feel sorrow and grieve. But find a way back. I’m finding my way back. I am trudging my way through this thing called Life. Trying not to be too hard on myself while fighting my way back to a vibrancy I miss.  

I heard in a movie (don’t remember which one and it’s probably a quote taken from somewhere else) “You drown not by falling in the river but by staying submerged in it.” I prefer sitting next to water, listening to the waves crashing on the surf or watching the sunlight dapple on the ripples, instead of feeling waves crashing over me. A good friend sends me daily pictures of the lake he views from his retirement porch.  He has no idea how therapeutic they are for me…. A reminder not to remain submerged. 

I heard someone say once “I try to live in the now where the ghosts of old wrongs do not reside.”  I’ll just let that reside here. Take from it what you will. 

I started this blog as a way of journaling my new chapter in life after moving here to New Orleans. I want to remember the places I have eaten, the sights I have seen and the life I am living here in the Big Easy. I have lost time by not blogging but it’s not too late to start over. It’s kind of fitting if you think about it. Driving around New Orleans (staying safe in my car) during this Covid pandemic reminded me of how New Orleans, both the city and the people, suffered great losses during Hurricane Katrina and emerged stronger. There is still evidence of a city not 100% back to its glory by way of abandoned buildings and empty lots, but there are many other signs of a city growing and blooming, despite the fury that life dealt. It is a reminder that life is a gift, and as long as you given a chance to wake up every day, there is always an opportunity to change, grow, improve and make a comeback. 

I implore you, if you are not living the life you want, then make changes. We only get one change at this. 

2 thoughts on “Begin Again

  1. I am with you in spirit if not in person, my friend. You are never far from my mind. I am sorry for your loss, but know that so many of us are in the same place as you with regard to the toll that this pandemic is taking on all of us in healthcare—it’s devastating to mind and spirit. But we will get through it and learn to live our lives again. I am a fellow slug for now, wondering how to change my lack of spirit and desire to do more than just sleep on my days off. I miss you terribly, and I wish we lived close again so that we could help each other in person. In the absence of being up close and personal let’s stay close through more communication, and we will get through this. Sending all of my love to you, chica!

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